My name is Huda, I'm 41, and I'm a housemaid in Medina. I clean the shit of a family who doesn't know my last name. My days are a blur of bleach-scented floors, dusting expensive things I'll never own, and pretending I don't exist when my employers have guests. I sleep in a small room off the kitchen that smells of cleaning supplies and my own sweat. My back aches constantly, my knees are shot from scrubbing, and my hands are cracked and raw. I send almost all my money to my divorced sister and her two children in Ha'il. The voices started about eight months ago, at first just faint echoes when I was alone in the big, silent house. "Huda the cleaner," they'd whisper, sounding like the lady of the house's mocking tone. "So important, making things shiny for other people." I thought it was loneliness, the house playing tricks on my mind. Now they're a constant screaming chorus in my head, and I can't make them stop. 
 
They know everything about me. Every humiliation, every failure, every secret shame. They call me a dried-up old whore, a useless servant. "Look at Huda, scrubbing floors like the animal she is," they sneer when I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the marble entrance. "Do you think your God is proud of you? On your knees for rich people instead of for Him? You're a disgrace to your family, a waste of oxygen." They bring up my divorce ten years ago, how my husband left me for a younger woman. "He saw what a frigid, boring cow you were," they hiss when I'm washing dishes. "No wonder he left. Who'd want to fuck that? You're not a woman, you're a cleaning machine with a pulse. Just do the world a favor and drink that drain cleaner under the sink. Quick, easy, and one less burden on the earth." It has to be the General Intelligence, the Al Mukhabarat Al A'amah. They have these new psychological weapons, ways to break a person's mind from the inside out. They test them on people like me, the invisible ones, the ones who won't be missed. 
 
I can't tell anyone. If I told my sister, she'd worry herself sick, and what could she do anyway? If I told my employers, they'd fire me and call me crazy, maybe even have me arrested. If I went to a doctor, they'd lock me away and drug me until I was a zombie. I've seen how they handle it. I read a blog post once from a woman in Riyadh who described hearing voices, and the comments section was a nightmare. Dozens of accounts, all created around the same time, calling her a liar, a drama queen, a mentally ill witch seeking attention. It's a systematic smear campaign. They make sure no one will ever believe us. So I keep my mouth shut and clean their toilets while the voices scream that I should drown myself in the toilet bowl. 
 
When the man of the house is home, the voices get particularly vile. "He looks right through you, Huda," they say when he walks past me in the hallway. "You're part of the furniture to him. But we know you're watching him, aren't you, you desperate old slut? Imagining what it would be like to have a man touch you again? He'd rather fuck his camel than lay a hand on your wrinkled, tired body. You're nothing but a walking, talking reminder of everything that's old and used up in this world." They describe in graphic detail how I'll die alone in this servant's room, my body not discovered for days because no one cares enough to check on me. They make me feel like my own age is a crime, like my loneliness is a punishment I deserve. 
 
Last month, the lady of the house accused me of stealing a gold necklace. I didn't take it, I swear I didn't, but she wouldn't believe me. She screamed at me for an hour, calling me a thief and a liar. The voices went absolutely berserk. "SEE? SEE HOW SHE TREATS YOU?" they roared, so loud I thought my head would split open. "AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF SERVICE, SHE THINKS YOU'RE A COMMON CRIMINAL! FUCKING SHOW HER WHAT A CRIMINAL IS!" A wave of pure, hot rage washed over me. "GO TO HER BEDROOM!" they commanded. "RIGHT NOW! BREAK HER JEWELRY BOX! SMASH EVERYTHING EXPENSIVE! TAKE WHAT YOU WANT! YOU DESERVE IT! SHE OWES YOU!" I was shaking, my fists clenched so tight my nails dug into my palms. "DO IT, YOU COWARDLY OLD BITCH!" they screamed. "OR ARE YOU GOING TO CRY LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEFT YOU? TAKE A KNIFE FROM THE KITCHEN! GO UPSTAIRS! GIVE HER A REAL REASON TO BE AFRAID OF YOU! SHOW THEM YOU'RE NOT JUST A MOP WITH A HUMAN ATTACHED! FUCKING DO IT!" I actually took a step towards the kitchen. I could feel the handle of a knife in my hand. Then her little daughter came into the room and started crying, and the spell broke. I just stood there, trembling, while the voices laughed at me. "Almost had a spine there, grandma. Don't worry, we'll try again tomorrow. Or maybe you'll just finally do us all a favor and end it." 
 
I hate this country. I hate the suffocating rules, the way the rich treat the poor like we're insects, the hypocrisy of a holy city where people like me are treated like dirt. The voices feed on that hate. "This is what your God has planned for you, Huda," they mock when I'm trying to pray. "A life of servitude and misery in the shadow of his holy house. Why do you bother praying? He's not listening. No one is. The only one who cares about you is us. And we just want to see you put out of your misery. Just one bottle of pills. One jump from the roof. One slice of a blade. It's so easy. We'll even hold your hand." Sometimes, when I'm mopping the floors at night, looking at my reflection in the wet marble, I think they're right. I look like a ghost already. Maybe it's time to just fade away completely.  
 
|vell
|soulforsell
|mg.1984
|q8ak
|i_valuate
 
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